Sunday, October 25, 2009

Halloween Epitaphs

I noticed a few people searching on the internet for "funny epitaphs" had somehow come across my blog, though I didn't have any epitaphs, funny or otherwise, at the time.

Anyway, if they search again, and since it's Halloween, I thought I would try to come up with some on my own. I'm not really a poet, but I have a rhyming dictionary. Might as well get my money's worth out of it.

First, a classic funny epitaph that maybe you're familiar with. They say you'll find it at Boot Hill cemetary somewhere out west:

Here lies Lester Moore: Four slugs from a .44: No Les No More. ...

And here's a few I concocted myself.

Here lies Molly our pet hen
Our children's beloved best friend.
As her bones were buried I called her a good chicken,
Just didn't let on I meant finger lickin'.

Tommy Cat

He always ate a full platter
It was hard to find a cat fatter
But on the road with no pep,
The car he couldn't sidestep,
Then you never saw a cat flatter

There was an old man named Bart
Who kept from his family his bad heart,
When came his birthday and all yelled "Surprise!"
And that's how he met his demise.

He flew through the air on his carpet
But takeoffs he wasn't too sharp at
With his lack of skill
Came a horrible spill
Now he's traded his rug for a harpette.

Mother Goose
A Safari she had booked,
Not knowing it was the NRA
She should have stayed away
For now her goose is cooked.

Happy Halloween everyone.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My Blog Topic Is . . .

It doesn't seem like I have anything extrordinary or new to blog about this week. My routine is to start the week with a blog, regardless of whether I have material or not. And routines are very much a part of me--weekly routines, daily routines, etc.

I even notice annual routines like our September vacation, summer trip to Silver Lake, getting out our annual Halloween or Christmas yard decorations, winterizing our home, spring cleaning, etc.

So then, my weekly blog. Sometimes I do wonder how many would miss it if I didn't put one up. I also do an on-line weekly family fantasy football league preview on the league bulletin board, which I also thought that nobody read, until I was one day late putting one up last week. Then my nephew Vic posted this to the bulletin board:

"Wow, is da blog that shell-shocked that he can't even put together the preview? Typical loser Michigan (fan) to crawl into a shell and cry all by themselves. Can't face the world, huh."

Well, at least I know that they were reading my weekly fantasy preview. I wasn't sure anybody was paying attention. By the way, I think Vic was the anonymous poster this past week whose comments kept asking about my fantasy football team. Sheesh, give it a rest. At least my Wolverines scored a big win. No reason to cry there.

Now I lost track of where I was. Oh yes, a blog topic for this week. Sorry. Talking about routines got me off track for a second. And I have to hurry because tonight Wendy and I engage in a TV-watching routine. The Amazing Race is on. For some reason, part of our routine includes having an "Amazing Race" snack. Maybe watching those people burn so much energy running around the world makes us hungry. I don't know.

Tonight we have an "everything" cookie from Whole Foods Market. White and dark chocolate chips, raisins, nuts, mmmmmm. One of my favorites. Speaking of favorites, my favorite beer becomes available in October: Bell's Octoberfest. Bells is a Michigan-based brewer most famous for its Oberon ale, but its Octoberfest literally flies off the shelf once it becomes available.

Our local grocery store had to a post a "Bells Octoberfest" shortage along with an apology. Basically, the store said once it's gone, it's gone. No more coming. I was lucky to snag one six-pack. Of that, I have one bottle left. I suppose I could have that as part of my Amazing Race snack tonight but I don't believe a Bells Octoberfest would go well with a Whole Foods everything cookie.

Anyhoo, I got off track again. What was I giong to blog about this week? Not trying to procrastinate here, honestly. One thing I do procrastinate about is my annual flu shot. Finally, the doctor said he needed to see me this past week. Thought certainly it was for a flu shot, but surprise!--they didn't receive their flu vaccine supply yet. There's a shortage of both seasonal and swine flu vaccine. They just wanted blood. Always want my blood. I think some of their other patients are vampires.

Wonder when the flu vaccines will come in at the docs. I'm on a waiting list, which meant some clerk wrote my name on a scrap piece of paper there. Did you know that for swine flu, groups of Americans have been segregated into four priority categories? I'm in group two, those with a medical condition that makes that vulnerable. Woo hoo! Group one, highest priority, are infants and children.

I was surprised that the last group comprised the elderly. Usually they come first when getting flu shots. Somehow I'm reminded of that talk of "death panels" when I see senior citizens getting last dibs on important medical treatment. But anyway I digressed once again.

So what to blog about today? Sorry, my mind's blank. Maybe next week.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Fall Fun

Fall marks one of my favorite times of the year with football, Halloween, Michigan apples and trees showing off their rich autumn plumage.

But my favorite University of Michigan Wolverine football team has dropped two straight, as has my fantasy football team. One of Michigan's losses came at the hands of their cross-state rival, the Michigan State University Spartans. Spartan fans can be so obnoxious for so long after they get an ill-deserved win too.

No respect. And THEN to make matters worse, see my new pet on the sidebar here? It is a virtual cat that I acquired at some effort through one of my blogging buddies. But last week I was SHOCKED to see it hawking Michigan State University tickets here on my blog. Some Google ad.

Not on my website, kitty. Do it again and you're going to meet my son's dog Simon here.

He loves cute, furry animals. Right now the score is Simon three, rabbits zero. Simon gives new meaning to the cheer, "Eat em up, eat em up. Rah, rah, rah." Heh, heh.

Sorry, that's probably "TMI", especially for those reading this before dinner, but I need to put the fear of god in that cat here. Also in any Spartan fans that might be lurking.

When I took this picture of Simon, I thought I would also take a picture of my 2009 found-on-the-ground cannister of coins (and a couple bills). Filling up, isn't it? See the Target gift card? I found that this past weekend. You can look those up on-line to see if they're still good and this one was. It was a $10 gift card with $10 still available.

Since I found it near a school, my wife surmised it was some poor kid's lost birthday present. She further tried to guilt me when we walked through a local Target store. She pointed out a little tike ahead of us, excitedly walking with his mother while holding a Target gift card in his tiny fingers. Guess they were headed for the toy aisle.

Not me. My card will probably pay for an addition to my Halloween yard display. In a way then, my find will benefit all children. Well, at least those who come trick-or-treating to my house this year.

See. I feel better now.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

And I Was Right :-(

This was the week of the 'backyard brawl' between Michigan State University and my beloved University of Michigan Wolverines. Since MSU's Spartan football team has stumbled so far this year, they were out for blood--particularly since the undefeated U of M would have to play in East Lansing's Spartan stadium.

Of course, this is the rivalry that splits family and friends. A good example would be me and my long-time friend and high school chum Bob. He's an MSU alum while I've always supported the maize 'n blue. We live cross-country and haven't seen eachother in about a decade but regularly e-mail eachother. Sports is a touchy subject. Witness the e-mails we exchanged this past week leading up to the big game.

I should preface this by saying that we often try to build up the other guy's chances. That way, if our favorite team doesn't win, well, at least we predicted correctly:

Just one question this morning. Come on I want a prediction for this weekend, in time for me to reply to. So lets hear it Mr. Replacement Sports Guy?

I hear bookies are saying MSU is a one to three-point favorite and that sounds about right. MSU should squeak one out. They're back to this mode of just trying to win the battle of the state rather than make any noise nationally.

MSU the favorite? Are you nuts, 4-0 vs. 1-3. That's it, you are no longer a credible source in this conversation (if you ever were). I'm not sure if my mother's hysteria over every Detroit Tiger pitch, did I tell you I get frantic phone calls when things are going bad in Tigerland, or my exasperation with your waffling or sandbagging will do me in first. So now even if the Spartans beat the UM IT WAS expected. Breathe Bob, breathe. Someone call 911, dammit I can't feel my arm . . . .I can't find a pulse . . . . CLEARRRRRRRRRRR

The line is MSU by one to three points. This is the line from Las Vegas, from guys whose livelihoods depend on making correct predictions. I didn't make MSU the favorite. They did! I just agree with the experts. YOU'RE the sandbagger in all this. As my green-leaning supervisor pointed out yesterday, MSU's collective opponents' record is 12-3. U of M's is 8-7. You've played tougher competition, on the road yet! Wonder if there's a 12-step program for sandbaggers. If so, I'm signing you up.

No one in their right mind thinks the Spartans are going to win. They could and I hope they do but come on. And have you stopped to think how Vegas odds work Dave? Look it up. It's not about picking favorites its about getting people to bet. Are you willing to bet the farm on MSU? Wisconsin is better than Indiana but we both played Notre Dame with different outcomes and we've played other bums on both sides, difference being you beat the bums and we didn't. I have a call in to our old journalism teacher Mr. Braendle--objectivity Dave, objectivity.

And when you sling mud, Dave you have to come up with your own mud you can't just borrow mine. "You're a weenie." "No, you're a weenie." What are we two-year-olds.

You get the picture. I disagree about the reference to two two-year-olds though. Probably two two-year-olds arguing would sound a bit more mature.

Anyway, when the dust had cleared this weekend, MSU had squeaked out a victory in overtime, just as I had predicted. Well, Bob and his Spartans may get bragging rights this year. But at least I can say I was right.

:-( *sniff*