Perry Mason At Large

After taking a government class at Central Michigan University that had me doing research in a law library decades back, I found law to be a snap. Just research some case law, prepare a brief, and bingo. That's all there was to it.

So when my sister had a hearing pending before an administrative law judge here in Michigan, I volunteered my services. She accepted. I researched some case law, wrote up a little speech to give before the hearing officer and off we went.

Cue the Perry Mason theme.

But when the judge asked if it was true that I was representing my sister, and I said it was, he told me, "I expect you to abide by the court rules of 1963. Now call your first witness."

Uhhhhhh, NOT what I was expecting. Still, I'd watched Perry Mason on TV. How hard could it be? I called my sister as a witness. But it didn't go that well. You know how judges sometimes admonish lawyers and other trial participants? I was admonished a lot.

Couldn't use hearsay. Couldn't lead the witness. Heck, how was I supposed to get my sister to say what I wanted her to say unless I asked some leading questions? Sheesh, the moron. Finally, the judge relented, "I'll take your ignorance of the law into consideration."

All right! I was on a roll now. I finished my "case in chief" (didn't know what that meant until the judge explained it) and we adjourned. And . . . we won. Not because of any legal brilliance I exhibited before the judge. But because the other side didn't show up. We won by default.

Fast forward about 20 years. This past year my son Greg received a threatening letter from a collection agency for a bill he wasn't responsible for. Okay, maybe partially responsible for.

Cue the Perry Mason theme.

I researched case law and prepared a letter where I threatened all kinds of legal ramifications if any move was made upon my son's credit and reputation. I know that any lawyer worth his salt will advise a client to steer clear of a trial at any cost. And we never heard from that collection agency again.

After several months, however, Greg received another threatening letter from a second collection agency for the same debt. Ah, the ole one-two, eh. This time I would give them the legal equivalent of both barrels.

Cue the Perry---CUT!! No, Greg said. He didn't want me to write another letter and have his credit hang in limbo. He paid the bill instead. Guess that worked for him. He bought a car all by himself this past week and they commended him on his good credit at the dealer.

I still think I would have won in the end. Afterall, Perry never lost, did he?