Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Trouble In Hell

As a dabbler in the macabre, I’ve always been tempted to go to Hell. It’s not that far--probably 20 miles northwest of Ann Arbor. It’s a very small dot on the map, just west of Pinckney. Just think. I could brag to everyone that I’ve been to Hell and back.

I’ve heard they sell a few souvenirs in Hell. Like the post card that shows an elderly man and woman driving in their car, approaching the road sign that says “Entering Hell” or something like that. The post card shows the exasperated woman shouting at her lost husband, “Now will you check the map???”

A business owner in Hell decided to throw a party last week on Tuesday, 06/06/06, a number associated with Satan. The entrepreneur didn’t know if anyone would show up for his party since he didn’t advertise. And word of mouth can only go so far in this hamlet of about a hundred people.

Well, word got out to the media. Between eight and twelve thousand people arrived to celebrate. Extra police had to be called. And the residents of Hell? Well, Hell never hath (hadeth) such fury.

Complained one local resident, “People move out here to get away from it all. It's really nowhere. So what if it just happens to be called Hell? Three or four people use it as an excuse to get rich, but it's at the expense of everyone who lives there. It's just inconsiderate.”

Inconsiderate? I never thought of Hell as someplace to get away from it all. You would think that if people wanted to raise a little Hell in Hell, well, what the Hell? But I guess if you do, there’ll be Hell to pay. The township supervisor says if they’re billed for the extra police protection required of the Sheriff’s department on 06/06/06, they’ll send the bill to the business owner who thought a party in Hell was a Hell of an idea.

Anyway, I have to tell this story about the bar in Hell called the Dam Site Inn. I haven’t been there, but a significant other in my life has (I won’t name names since she thinks I pick on her too much already). But this lady was cut off/refused service there for her rowdy behavior one night many, many years ago.

One offense was to publicly point out a man in the bar who she said resembled Jesus. That was enough to spook the locals. “No more beer for you, dearie.” Getting kicked out of a bar in Hell is probably not something one would want on his or her resume when they arrive at the Pearly Gates.

But let this be a lesson to all of you. If you go to Hell, you’d better behave.


Anonymous bonnie said...

Williamston (Hornets) is my hometown. The Pinckney Pirates are our arch rivals, almost like MSU and U of M.

I thought Hell was in Ann Arbor?!

At any rate, SPARTANS will be giving Wolverines Hell come football season, Dave!

2:00 PM  
Blogger poopie said...

*snort* Wendy sounds like my kinda girl :)

2:20 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

Too bad she didn't see Jesus on something in the bar like a pretzel or something like that. Then, she could have sold it on eBay.

2:33 PM  
Blogger Me said...

As hot as it is where I live today, i'm surprised they don't change the name of my town to Hell!
Too bad they didn't throw Wendy out of town, then she could tell them at the pearly gates she was thrown out of Hell. Then they'd have to keep her! They probably will anyway though!

2:49 PM  
Anonymous kristy said...

There's a town where I come from called Boring, Oregon, but I think going to Hell would be far more interesting!

4:19 PM  
Blogger Lucy Stern said...

I don't think I would move to a town named "Hell" just for that reason. What the hell......

4:53 PM  
Anonymous Terri said...

This was a hoot! lol
Great job with the wordplay. And I always said....hell truly is here on earth sometimes.

5:05 PM  
Anonymous schnoodlepooh said...

Whoever would think that Hell on earth would end up being in Michigan? Isn't it pretty cold up there? Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you can't get too rowdy at the Dam Site Inn. I wonder what would happen if you were having a few drinks and happened to spot Elvis at the other end of the bar...

6:13 PM  
Blogger Peter said...

That's a hell of a post Dave.

6:42 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

You're hilarious Dave! Next time my oldest gets mad and says he's in Hell, I'll tell him, "No, that's in Michigan, you're here in the Southwest."

7:07 AM  
Blogger bornfool said...

Wow, just how bad do you have to be to get kicked out of a bar in Hell? I'm not gonna mess with her.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

So Hell must freeze over fairly regularly then during the winter? Who woulda thunk?!

9:15 AM  
Anonymous enforcer said...

hell with that extra bolt for the microwave

11:52 AM  
Blogger LZ Blogger said...

Sounds like the Bar Scene from the original Star Wars! ~ jb///

2:51 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Getting totally kicked out of Hell would be worth remembering.

4:05 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

hmmmmmm So, I guess one could say your wife would be 'speaking the truth' if she were to say "I'm married to Big Dave AND been to Hell and back"?

just an observation,dear. ;)

4:53 AM  
Anonymous cassie-b said...

That was hellarious!

Thanks, I'm glad it's so far from here. I don't think I'll make it to hell. Hopefully twice

7:16 AM  
Blogger Ms. Vickie said...

Gee, if I had stopped by yesterday I could have said I knew all about going to hell
on my birthday...however this is the story of my life....I have never been in the
right place at the right time or so my mom has always said but this time she might
thing different if I told her I missed going to hell yesterday.

Great post and thanks for the visit and the best wishes yesterday. It was my friends who made
the day so special.

4:20 PM  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi Dave ~~ This is an extremely funny post. I enjoyed reading about Hell.
I wonder how people react when told, I
live in Hell. Thanks for sharing.
Take care, Merle.

9:46 PM  
Blogger Spider63 said...

Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over?

5:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We lived near Hell and when visiting a farm near, we'd have to go through Hell. Us kids loved it because we weren't allowed to swear at all so we just used the town and beat the "hell" out of the word. Kids think they are so clever. Now when traveling with my daughter, we have to go by a dam on the way to her college and we sure get the giggles using "dam" in our conversation. Usually my daughter says I'm using the word wrong. Oh well, no, that's damn! See what you've started?

7:13 AM  
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