Down And Out

My supervisor interrupted my lunch yesterday to offer this comment:

"Did you know the 45 points that Wisconsin scored against Michigan on Saturday was the most points they ever scored against the Wolverines in the 73 years they've played eachother?"

No. Didn't know that. But my boss, who is a big fan of the rival Michigan State Spartans, has been making remarks like that often during this dismal football season when the Michigan Wolverines are esconced at the bottom of the Big Ten.

"What do you call a bunch of Wolverine fans in the basement? A whine cellar."

Yeah, funny bossman. True, guys like me have been doing a lot of whining. And for me, it's a double whammy lately since my fantasy football team is nearly on the bottom of our family league, my play-off hopes all but gone now.

But who would kick a guy when he's down, right? Everybody, it appears. I got an e-mail from my buddy in Virginia, also a MSU Spartan fan, that included this line: "So it's payback time here. . . Here are the Wolverines dead last in the Big Ten conference."

What?? His e-mail correspondence for several years now has dogged my fav Michigan teams. Cheaters, overrated, criminals--he's called them every name in the book. So I responded back:

"Payback time?! Oh, c'mon. When have you ever needed a special time to heap abuse on my Wolverines? That's like Rush Limbaugh suddenly declaring that it's payback time for liberals on his radio show."

Or, for those who read the comments on my blog here, it'd be like Bonnie aka Babette suddenly declaring here, "It's payback time."

But, heck, I don't have any control over the destiny of my favorite college football team. But I thought I would have some control over the destiny of my fantasy football team. I read sports magazines, watch the Yahoo fantasy preview on my computer Sunday, check regularly for updates during the week and I practiced my drafting skills with several mock drafts during the pre-season.

So what to do when your teams are tanking. Then I check my Facebook page and I see this public comment from my brother, who posts here as The Enforcer: "Let's go Lions. Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap."

What?? Sombody's still cheering on our hapless Detroit Lions who have won just one game over the past two years? Now that takes some unbridled optimism. But despite my brother's cyber-encouragement, the Lions lost another game. Hmmm, my brother is also taking some powerful pain-killers for a back ailment.

Ah, so that's the answer then. Gimme drugs, gimme drugs.

Are You A Collector?

I'm a collector. How about you? Do you have collections of coins, stamps or trading cards sitting around in a closet somewhere? Maybe a collection of china or stuffed animals of one breed or another?

My own collections are shown in pictures below. I've been gatheringg these "treasures" since childhood and they sort of represent my interests at the time.

When I was a kid I was a big fan of the spy movies, whether it was James Bond, The Man From Uncle, or Matt Helm. At one time I had the complete collection of Thunderball trading cards, but somewhere along the way lost track of a bunch. I still have most of them, some of which are pictured here.

I've tried to convince by boys that these will be worth a fortune someday. They're not convinced, however.

Also during my youth, I started a penny collection. I have quite of few "wheat" pennies of various year and mint marks, mostly because I made a list of which ones I needed and passed that list along to my sister-in-law when Christmas came.

Now she has protested that the remaining pennies on my list are fairly rare and if she bought just one, that would be my one and only Christmas present. Maybe for years to come.

When my wife and I were just married, I would haunt the video game parlors for a little fun and relaxation. Hence, the arcade token collection. Note that I wrote on each coinholder the name and location of the arcade. Again, I've told my sons they'll be worth lots someday. Again, I believe they are unconvinced.

I also collected matchbooks from restaurants where the family and I have gone. That interest has waned since restaurants often do not offer smoking areas, let alone matchbooks.

Finally, there is my collection of magnetic clings picturing lighthouses that have figured somehow into one vacation or another. Of course, Little Sable Lighthouse is represented there since we have tent-camped at nearby Silver Lake for about a dozen years. But the annual craft show booth where I used to find these magnetic clings no longer is there. *sigh*

Now I have to find something else to collect, I guess.

Envisioning The Apocalypse

This past week I attended a screening for a new movie. With Michigan's lucrative tax breaks for film-makers, more movie crews are finding their way to the Great Lakes State. This movie entitled The 6th Extinction was a local production shot in and around Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti.

An e-mail circulated by one of the movies' cast members at my work invited all to come to the screening. The sender said she played a vampire in the film. And it was free! A vampire movie the week of Halloween? Attending a movie debut would be a first for me too. The missus wasn't interested in going but I was fine so long as I had money for popcorn.

I even arrived extra early to make sure I got a good seat. As it turned out, that wasn't necessary. In fact, the theatre was seemingly empty when I arrived, save for a lone gentleman sitting in back. "If you want John, he's sitting way up front," he told me when I walked in.

Who was John? And why did I have to check in with him? Turns out that John was the writer-slash-director of the picture. I explained that I was just there to see the movie, and took a seat with my box of popcorn. Eventually, the other man left, leaving just John and I in the theatre. Rather awkward for me. Soon John's family came along and a few pictures were taken to commemorate the opening of the picture.

Gee, I hope I wasn't in any of them. I can hear someone asking, "Who is that older gentleman sitting all by himself in the back of the theatre?" The screening was set up mainly for cast and crew to see the final working print of the film, I learned later. But I was all right, feeling secure in my anonymity anyway. Until . . .

"There's Dave!" I heard a voice call out. It was a lady from my work. She pointed me out to a few of her co-workers sitting with her a few rows in front of me. Wonderful. So much for my anonymity. The theatre did fill in by the designated show-time. Most of the people seemed to know eachother.

I thought I would do a quickie review of the film here, since I'm doubtful this local low budget indie is going to attract much mainstream press.

The 6th Extinction gives an apocalyptic account of civilized mankind's demise when evil-worshipers organize, going house to house in white robes to slaughter the innocent. If that wasn't bad enough, vampires rise up to plague the survivors as well. The story focuses on one young woman whose first date with an internet suitor goes awry when he becomes a vampire after being attacked by another of the undead, all this happening when the young woman makes a brief trip to a restaurant bathroom.

With Harper's Grove (Ypsilanti, actually) erupting into flames about her, the heroine flees her newly fanged tormentor and eventually joins forces with a fireman. Together they find refuge in the basement of a local home after a tense stand-off with the armed homeowner.

Although they're safe from the woman's bloodsucking date, since he can't enter unless invited inside, another female vampire isn't so restricted and attacks the survivors, killing a young girl and mortally wounding her mother. Then the father tells the vampire to leave and she does, since that's another vampire rule to leave when asked. Lots of vampire rules in this movie. I took notes. You never know.

But it turns out, vampires can invite other vampires inside so the date eventually does get into the house when the mother becomes a vampire too. Meanwhile, somehow the daughter ends up outside when her dead corpse re-animates to become a vampire and she has to request permission to enter, or maybe it's her ghost since the corpse is apparently still inside--you know, it gets a little confusing here. I'm going to skip this part.

Here's a tip from the film anyway. If one encounters a vampire, dump a container containing pepper balls or something like that on the floor. For like the count on Sesame Street, these vampires have to count too. It's a priority for them. And it gives would-be victims a chance to flee. By the way, despite all the mayhem, I didn't find the movie suspenseful or scary, but it did maintain a campy spirit throughout.

The film is also visually effective and entertaining, even if the script isn't up to Hollywood standards. As the success of Paranormal Activity has demonstrated, even low budget films can produce cutting edge special effects. In Extinction, a vampire hurls a victim across Michigan Avenue into a downtown Ypsilanti building, the moon breaks into pieces, and a passenger train is attacked and its riders slaughtered by one of the undead. (Another tip: if the apocalypse is nigh, avoid AMTRAK).

As a fan of Sigourney Weaver in the Alien flicks, I admired the strong heroine in this picture too. Despite a broken arm and fractured ankle, she manages to cast aside one vampire, hurry upstairs and take out one of the devil-worshiping dudes with a single blow. That leads me to one last tip: scour the internet dating sites for survivalists if you want to live when it all breaks loose.

My ad is ready to go. "Seeking single white female with moxie to survive an apocalypse, plus the ability to overcome vampires and evil incarnate. Cooking skills appreciated." Reply to Big Dave's Blog.

Halloween Epithaphs

I noticed a few people searching on the internet for "funny epitaphs" had somehow come across my blog, though I didn't have any epitaphs, funny or otherwise, at the time.

Anyway, if they search again, and since it's Halloween, I thought I would try to come up with some on my own. I'm not really a poet, but I have a rhyming dictionary. Might as well get my money's worth out of it.

First, a classic funny epitaph that maybe you're familiar with. They say you'll find it at Boot Hill cemetary somewhere out west:

Here lies Lester Moore: Four slugs from a .44: No Les No More. ...

And here's a few I concocted myself.

Here lies Molly our pet hen
Our children's beloved best friend.
As her bones were buried I called her a good chicken,
Just didn't let on I meant finger lickin'.

Tommy Cat
2006-2009

He always ate a full platter
It was hard to find a cat fatter
But on the road with no pep,
The car he couldn't sidestep,
Then you never saw a cat flatter

There was an old man named Bart
Who kept from his family his bad heart,
When came his birthday and all yelled "Surprise!"
And that's how he met his demise.

Aladin
He flew through the air on his carpet
But takeoffs he wasn't too sharp at
With his lack of skill
Came a horrible spill
Now he's traded his rug for a harpette.

Mother Goose
A Safari she had booked,
Not knowing it was the NRA
She should have stayed away
For now her goose is cooked.

Happy Halloween everyone.

My Blog Topic Is . . .

It doesn't seem like I have anything extrordinary or new to blog about this week. My routine is to start the week with a blog, regardless of whether I have material or not. And routines are very much a part of me--weekly routines, daily routines, etc.

I even notice annual routines like our September vacation, summer trip to Silver Lake, getting out our annual Halloween or Christmas yard decorations, winterizing our home, spring cleaning, etc.

So then, my weekly blog. Sometimes I do wonder how many would miss it if I didn't put one up. I also do an on-line weekly family fantasy football league preview on the league bulletin board, which I also thought that nobody read, until I was one day late putting one up last week. Then my nephew Vic posted this to the bulletin board:

"Wow, is da blog that shell-shocked that he can't even put together the preview? Typical loser Michigan (fan) to crawl into a shell and cry all by themselves. Can't face the world, huh."

Well, at least I know that they were reading my weekly fantasy preview. I wasn't sure anybody was paying attention. By the way, I think Vic was the anonymous poster this past week whose comments kept asking about my fantasy football team. Sheesh, give it a rest. At least my Wolverines scored a big win. No reason to cry there.

Now I lost track of where I was. Oh yes, a blog topic for this week. Sorry. Talking about routines got me off track for a second. And I have to hurry because tonight Wendy and I engage in a TV-watching routine. The Amazing Race is on. For some reason, part of our routine includes having an "Amazing Race" snack. Maybe watching those people burn so much energy running around the world makes us hungry. I don't know.

Tonight we have an "everything" cookie from Whole Foods Market. White and dark chocolate chips, raisins, nuts, mmmmmm. One of my favorites. Speaking of favorites, my favorite beer becomes available in October: Bell's Octoberfest. Bells is a Michigan-based brewer most famous for its Oberon ale, but its Octoberfest literally flies off the shelf once it becomes available.

Our local grocery store had to a post a "Bells Octoberfest" shortage along with an apology. Basically, the store said once it's gone, it's gone. No more coming. I was lucky to snag one six-pack. Of that, I have one bottle left. I suppose I could have that as part of my Amazing Race snack tonight but I don't believe a Bells Octoberfest would go well with a Whole Foods everything cookie.

Anyhoo, I got off track again. What was I giong to blog about this week? Not trying to procrastinate here, honestly. One thing I do procrastinate about is my annual flu shot. Finally, the doctor said he needed to see me this past week. Thought certainly it was for a flu shot, but surprise!--they didn't receive their flu vaccine supply yet. There's a shortage of both seasonal and swine flu vaccine. They just wanted blood. Always want my blood. I think some of their other patients are vampires.

Wonder when the flu vaccines will come in at the docs. I'm on a waiting list, which meant some clerk wrote my name on a scrap piece of paper there. Did you know that for swine flu, groups of Americans have been segregated into four priority categories? I'm in group two, those with a medical condition that makes that vulnerable. Woo hoo! Group one, highest priority, are infants and children.

I was surprised that the last group comprised the elderly. Usually they come first when getting flu shots. Somehow I'm reminded of that talk of "death panels" when I see senior citizens getting last dibs on important medical treatment. But anyway I digressed once again.

So what to blog about today? Sorry, my mind's blank. Maybe next week.

Fall Fun

Fall marks one of my favorite times of the year with football, Halloween, Michigan apples and trees showing off their rich autumn plumage.

But my favorite University of Michigan Wolverine football team has dropped two straight, as has my fantasy football team. One of Michigan's losses came at the hands of their cross-state rival, the Michigan State University Spartans. Spartan fans can be so obnoxious for so long after they get an ill-deserved win too.

No respect. And THEN to make matters worse, see my new pet on the sidebar here? It is a virtual cat that I acquired at some effort through one of my blogging buddies. But last week I was SHOCKED to see it hawking Michigan State University tickets here on my blog. Some Google ad.

Not on my website, kitty. Do it again and you're going to meet my son's dog Simon here.



He loves cute, furry animals. Right now the score is Simon three, rabbits zero. Simon gives new meaning to the cheer, "Eat em up, eat em up. Rah, rah, rah." Heh, heh.

Sorry, that's probably "TMI", especially for those reading this before dinner, but I need to put the fear of god in that cat here. Also in any Spartan fans that might be lurking.

When I took this picture of Simon, I thought I would also take a picture of my 2009 found-on-the-ground cannister of coins (and a couple bills). Filling up, isn't it? See the Target gift card? I found that this past weekend. You can look those up on-line to see if they're still good and this one was. It was a $10 gift card with $10 still available.



Since I found it near a school, my wife surmised it was some poor kid's lost birthday present. She further tried to guilt me when we walked through a local Target store. She pointed out a little tike ahead of us, excitedly walking with his mother while holding a Target gift card in his tiny fingers. Guess they were headed for the toy aisle.

Not me. My card will probably pay for an addition to my Halloween yard display. In a way then, my find will benefit all children. Well, at least those who come trick-or-treating to my house this year.

See. I feel better now.

And I Was Right :-(

This was the week of the 'backyard brawl' between Michigan State University and my beloved University of Michigan Wolverines. Since MSU's Spartan football team has stumbled so far this year, they were out for blood--particularly since the undefeated U of M would have to play in East Lansing's Spartan stadium.

Of course, this is the rivalry that splits family and friends. A good example would be me and my long-time friend and high school chum Bob. He's an MSU alum while I've always supported the maize 'n blue. We live cross-country and haven't seen eachother in about a decade but regularly e-mail eachother. Sports is a touchy subject. Witness the e-mails we exchanged this past week leading up to the big game.

I should preface this by saying that we often try to build up the other guy's chances. That way, if our favorite team doesn't win, well, at least we predicted correctly:

Dave,
Just one question this morning. Come on I want a prediction for this weekend, in time for me to reply to. So lets hear it Mr. Replacement Sports Guy?
Bob

Bob,
I hear bookies are saying MSU is a one to three-point favorite and that sounds about right. MSU should squeak one out. They're back to this mode of just trying to win the battle of the state rather than make any noise nationally.
Dave

Dave,
MSU the favorite? Are you nuts, 4-0 vs. 1-3. That's it, you are no longer a credible source in this conversation (if you ever were). I'm not sure if my mother's hysteria over every Detroit Tiger pitch, did I tell you I get frantic phone calls when things are going bad in Tigerland, or my exasperation with your waffling or sandbagging will do me in first. So now even if the Spartans beat the UM IT WAS expected. Breathe Bob, breathe. Someone call 911, dammit I can't feel my arm . . . .I can't find a pulse . . . . CLEARRRRRRRRRRR
Bob

Bob,
The line is MSU by one to three points. This is the line from Las Vegas, from guys whose livelihoods depend on making correct predictions. I didn't make MSU the favorite. They did! I just agree with the experts. YOU'RE the sandbagger in all this. As my green-leaning supervisor pointed out yesterday, MSU's collective opponents' record is 12-3. U of M's is 8-7. You've played tougher competition, on the road yet! Wonder if there's a 12-step program for sandbaggers. If so, I'm signing you up.
Dave

Dave,
No one in their right mind thinks the Spartans are going to win. They could and I hope they do but come on. And have you stopped to think how Vegas odds work Dave? Look it up. It's not about picking favorites its about getting people to bet. Are you willing to bet the farm on MSU? Wisconsin is better than Indiana but we both played Notre Dame with different outcomes and we've played other bums on both sides, difference being you beat the bums and we didn't. I have a call in to our old journalism teacher Mr. Braendle--objectivity Dave, objectivity.

And when you sling mud, Dave you have to come up with your own mud you can't just borrow mine. "You're a weenie." "No, you're a weenie." What are we two-year-olds.
Bob

You get the picture. I disagree about the reference to two two-year-olds though. Probably two two-year-olds arguing would sound a bit more mature.

Anyway, when the dust had cleared this weekend, MSU had squeaked out a victory in overtime, just as I had predicted. Well, Bob and his Spartans may get bragging rights this year. But at least I can say I was right.

:-( *sniff*