Oh Heather, I Was Bad

I was dreading the phone call I got last night. When the phone rang around dinnertime and Wendy handed the phone to me, I knew it was going to be Heather. And I knew talking to her wasn't going to be fun.

You see, Heather is what you might call a weight maintenance coach. About a year ago I went through this health screening at work at which time it was suggested a weight maintenance program might help me take off some of the excess pounds I've put on over the years.

It was free so . . . what the heck. I thought I'd give it a try. My first weight maintenance coach was Amy. She didn't last too long Maybe she was fired because I wasn't making much progress. I guess I could have lied and told her I lost a lot of weight. Since she was just a voice on the phone, how would she know? But I can't lie like that.

So Heather came next. Every month or two she would give me a call. And my weight would be about the same. So in a way, I figured she was successful. I was maintaining my weight after all. When I heard from her in October, she asked when would be a good time to call back. I suggested after the New Year since I had difficulty watching my weight around the holidays. Knowing that she was going to call first thing in January would give me incentive.

Well, that was the plan anyway. But you know what happens to the best laid plans when the holidays roll around, right? There's holiday parties here, a cookie there, a chocolate truffle back over here. To make it worse, the cold weather made me huddle in my Lazy Boy for warmth. Hibernating bears burn more calories in the winter. No more long bike rides or walks on the icy sidewalks.

Then came yesterday. I felt like I was going to confession. Yes, my weight was up. Yes, I remember I wanted to maintain. No, I didn't join the "holiday weight maintenance" challenge like I promised, but I had a good reason. They didn't offer it this year at my work.

I promised more exercise and less eating out. I said I would begin a stair-climbing program right away at home. Whatever penance I could do, I would do. She wasn't angry at me. It was more like how your mother might talk to you if she were disappointed in you. Oh, the guilt, the guilt.

When she noted that she would be on vacation and unavailable for the much of the next month, I saw a chance to change the subject.

"Going anywhere?" I asked.

"To Costa Rica. I used to live there," she said.

A-ha! An opening. I mentioned that my nephew just visited down there, then I asked when she lived there and for how long. I mentioned that it'll be a lot warmer down there than around here. But too soon she changed the subject back to me. Darn! I said to call me back in about a month. I promised that I would have better news next time.

Whew! Somebody get me a beer.