Sunday, October 25, 2009

Halloween Epitaphs

I noticed a few people searching on the internet for "funny epitaphs" had somehow come across my blog, though I didn't have any epitaphs, funny or otherwise, at the time.

Anyway, if they search again, and since it's Halloween, I thought I would try to come up with some on my own. I'm not really a poet, but I have a rhyming dictionary. Might as well get my money's worth out of it.

First, a classic funny epitaph that maybe you're familiar with. They say you'll find it at Boot Hill cemetary somewhere out west:

Here lies Lester Moore: Four slugs from a .44: No Les No More. ...

And here's a few I concocted myself.

Here lies Molly our pet hen
Our children's beloved best friend.
As her bones were buried I called her a good chicken,
Just didn't let on I meant finger lickin'.

Tommy Cat

He always ate a full platter
It was hard to find a cat fatter
But on the road with no pep,
The car he couldn't sidestep,
Then you never saw a cat flatter

There was an old man named Bart
Who kept from his family his bad heart,
When came his birthday and all yelled "Surprise!"
And that's how he met his demise.

He flew through the air on his carpet
But takeoffs he wasn't too sharp at
With his lack of skill
Came a horrible spill
Now he's traded his rug for a harpette.

Mother Goose
A Safari she had booked,
Not knowing it was the NRA
She should have stayed away
For now her goose is cooked.

Happy Halloween everyone.


Blogger TechnoBabe said...

I can tell you had a good time writing these. My favorite is the one about Bart.

8:43 PM  
Blogger jan said...

The subject matter is a little grim but it's good to see you experimenting with different poetic forms.

8:54 PM  
Blogger Lynilu said...

Fun! You might want to look for an engraver to sell your services. Extra money for retirement!

11:06 PM  
Anonymous babette said...

Your poems have me all choked up Dave.

There was an old Spartan named Bab
Who, lately, was feeling quite drab.
Her team almost beat
Iowa - how neat!
Spartans choked; now it's time for rehab.

One thought was consoling, at least.
The Wolverine loss, what a beast!
Nothing makes Bab shout
Like a Penn State/Michigan rout;
It's time for a yogic, GREEN feast!

Blessed Reformation, Dave!

8:09 AM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

TECHNOBABE--I liked the Bart one too. It was fun--something I'd not done in a while.

JAN--It was grim but I was grinning too, as in Grim, Grinning Ghosts.

LYNILU--I pondered the possibility of pitching my poems at those holiday craft shows. But you're right, I'd need an engraver first.

BABETTE--Hmmm, you used choke twice in the same comment. I'm surprised that someone with your vocabulary would do so. Then again, you're a Spartan.

9:31 AM  
Blogger LZ Blogger said...

I can't even remember who came up with it... but the one I have always loved was; "I TOLD THEM THAT I WASN'T FEELING WELL!" ~ jb///

12:04 PM  
Blogger Carine said...

thank you Dave-my grandson's won't get (nor should I tell them) these, but I enjoyed them!

Except poor Tommy Cat

12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blog Clogged

There once was a man named blog
In the start of fantasy football his team was top dog
But in the heart of the season
His team went to the four seasons
Now in the toilet is the blog, and that toilet is clogged

3:44 PM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

LZ--That's a good one too. But, gee, I haven't been feeling that well lately.

CARINE--I don't think kids get limericks until they're about in the sixth grade.

ANONYMOUS--Yeah, but my ff team in my money league is in first place! Win a few, lose a few.

3:29 AM  
Blogger Jeffrey said...

Go State! How many times have I heard you say "Hey, my fantasy football team is in first place!" though? This must be close to the 2000th time. Doesnt matter where you finish in your money league. Because if you dont pick up your game in our league you will never hear the end of it from the Dr.

3:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Doc is here and I'm not going to let the Blog have it even though he is near the bottom, nah, a good doctor wouldn't do that.

4:31 PM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

JEFFREY--Did I mention about my first-place ff team here?? Oh, I guess I did in that last comment. Didn't even realize it. Sorry.

VIC--I found an "incantation to raise the dead" on the internet. Going to use it on my team in our league. We will rise again.

4:00 AM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

JEFFREY--Did I mention about my first-place ff team here?? Oh, I guess I did in that last comment. Didn't even realize it. Sorry.

VIC--I found an "incantation to raise the dead" on the internet. Going to use it on my team in our league. We will rise again.

4:00 AM  
Blogger Kacey said...

Hi Dave....As usual, I have a bunch of catching up to do in the blogosphere. We let Ohio on Halloween night at 10:30 and a bug buck deer fell in love with our Taurus X in Kentucky. We managed to drive the rest of the way to Ft. Myers in the wreck ($8000.00 worth of damage), so I am really behind! A few years ago, I wrote my own epitaph after we had purchased niches to be creamated.
Here she lies
On a tight little shelf.
As usual, she made
An ash of herself.

8:28 PM  
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