Saturday, February 21, 2009

I Confess

Confession is good for the soul. So here goes. It's tax season and, well, I've been cheating on my taxes. Simple oversights they were. I just forgot to claim a large portion of my income, the part that comes from my job. I shouldn't worry. Look at President Obama's cabinet appointees. A few of them made the same kind of oversights and their pay grade is much higher than mine. And unpaid taxes didn't stop Timothy Geithner from becoming Secretary of the Treasury, thus becoming head of the Internal Revenue Service. So I'll do what they all did, just 'fess up. It'll be okay.

I hope I'm not audited because my bank, USB, has been hiding lots of my money in a Swiss bank account. Hea, I thought it was on the up and up. I mean, you can trust banks like USB, right? Now I just have to trust that the Swiss will do the right thing and keep it all secret. Nobody told them to 'fess up.

Boy, this feels good. By the way, some of that money in my Swiss bank account I earned as part of a Ponzi scheme. I'm not even sure what that is, but you've probably heard how Bernie Madoff cheated people out of millions, maybe even billions of dollars with a Ponzi scheme. Heck, he's not even in jail. Why? Because he's coming clean and cooperating, according to the judge in his case. I'll just 'fess up like ole Bernie too if it keeps me out of the slammer.

Also, I've got to admit that I've taken performance-enhancing drugs. Hea, it helped me to get promotions and make more money. A-Rod just confessed to doing the same in baseball this past week. I don't see any effort to fire him or dock his pay. Just confess and it's okay. Fine, just add it to my list of sins.

One of those promotions I earned I actually had to buy. Well, I tried to raise some money to buy it anyway, something I didn't reveal till now, but confession is good for the soul and I don't think I really did anything wrong. If Illinois Senator Roland Burris can keep his senatorial seat under similar circumstances, who can deprive me of the position I earned through nefarious connections and weasel-wording.

Man, I'm on a roll now. Let me confess too that I need help on my mortgage. I'm deeply in debt (London is way more expensive than I thought it would be). I bought one of those big, new mansions with an adjustable rate and now I can't afford the payments. I confess I can't refuse money when the banks are practically throwing it at me. But I hear Obama has a plan to help guys like me. Great. Where do I go to tell my story of woe and collect some government dole?

Ah yes, confession is good for the soul. And then some.


Anonymous cassie-b said...

What an interesting confession.
And I'm glad your soul is feeling good.

3:23 AM  
Blogger Nankin said...

Dave, if confessing gets you out of debt, let me know. Actually, I thing this only works if you know and kiss the right a--. For us everyday schlocks, it just gets us thrown in jail.

Still a good post. I enjoyed your humor a lot.

1:15 PM  
Blogger jan said...

Yes, but Martha Stewart confessed and they locked her in the slammer which really kept the country safe for a while.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

CASSIE--It was a little tongue-in-cheek, for sure. I wouldn't want the IRS breathing down my neck.

NANKIN--I'm afraid you're right. Avoiding jail by confessing only works for those with enough money to hire the right lawyers as well.

JAN--Mmmmmmmm, did Martha really confess? I thought she'd denied culpability right through it all. Maybe had she 'fessed up right away she would have avoided jail.

7:00 PM  
Blogger Lucy Stern said...

Dave, I am not fessing up to anything! lol.

12:56 AM  
Blogger eddo said...

OMW. That was hilarious. I'm glad you got all of that off of your chest.

Great post!

Found you through Fred's Site. Check out my site - I'm doing a contest with over $275 in prizes!

6:55 AM  
Anonymous Homer J said...

Great post!

7:12 PM  
OpenID caroldee said...

yEP MY pazcki was jelly filled and boy I loved every bite.. course I couldnt eat the rest of the day.. what a treat... President made a lot of promises.. yes he did as many of them did before him.. can we trust anything they say NOPE!
Hope the FEDS don't catch ya!!
Don't bother calling me I got no bail money!!!! Unemployed right now ;)

10:15 PM  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi Dave ~~ Confession is good for the soul, so they say. I hope this proves to be the case.
Our main football is Aust Football League. (AFL) I think we call soccer, soccer which seems like a good idea. Then there is Rugby also
and I guess they are all football of sorts. Unfortunately, there are still 7 fires still burning in forests and wooded suburbs and we are facing a serious day on Friday
similar to Block Saturday. I pray it won't happen. We haven't had such prolonged fires before.
Take care, my friend, Regards, Merle.

10:31 PM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

LUCY--If you haven't done anything wrong, no reason to worry.

EDDO--Everybody seems to know Fred's blog. He's an icon of sorts. I'll have to wander over to your site and check it out.

HOMER--Just remember, if I'm audited by the IRS, you go down too.

CAROLDEE--My paczki was filled with cream. But I stopped at one. That's better than last year.

MERLE--I sure hope the fires don't come back there. They looked truly devastating from the pictures I saw on Peter's site.

9:10 AM  
Blogger Carine said...

Hi Dave,

glad to see your post got up and an interesting one it is! We just went to our tax guy.

I wish I had had some hidden income to "miss". but you're right "telling" all does make you feel lighter, more virtuous and then you have nothing to fear.

Except that possible audit.

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

now, confess that you and your sons run a corrupt fantasy football league.

5:31 AM  
Anonymous Enforcer said...


12:18 PM  
Blogger Kacey said...

Oh, my, Dave! Did someone put something in your tea while you were over the pond? Sounds like you are having delusions of grandure.... could be that your Govenor is a real twit and it is filtering down to the real people. Just be happy that you are not in the top 2% of wage earners or Obama would have his hand in you pocket today instead of April 15th!

4:00 PM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

CARINE--Of course I was kidding about the hidden income but I do my own taxes. I'm just too paranoid to let somebody else do them.

ANONYMOUS (Vic)--With all the sour grapes you should be in the whine business instead of the beer business. Ooops, meant wine. Hea it works both ways.

How about a Hail to the Victors for my Wolverines helping your Spartans along the way to a Big Ten title. Big win last night.



Oh, you heard about the big Wolverine victory too.

KACEY--I've been flying under Obama's radar thus far. I just hope he doesn't read my blog.

6:39 AM  
Blogger Lucy Stern said...

Hey Dave - Where's grandpa? I haven't seen him in your comment section in a long time.

6:36 PM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

LUCY--Dad's fine. He's been helping his mother transition to assisted living. Also busy with his volunteer work at the VA hospital. This week he recruited the Enforcer to help him run the weekly bingo for the patients there.

4:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


10:45 PM  

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