I Confess

Confession is good for the soul. So here goes. It's tax season and, well, I've been cheating on my taxes. Simple oversights they were. I just forgot to claim a large portion of my income, the part that comes from my job. I shouldn't worry. Look at President Obama's cabinet appointees. A few of them made the same kind of oversights and their pay grade is much higher than mine. And unpaid taxes didn't stop Timothy Geithner from becoming Secretary of the Treasury, thus becoming head of the Internal Revenue Service. So I'll do what they all did, just 'fess up. It'll be okay.

I hope I'm not audited because my bank, USB, has been hiding lots of my money in a Swiss bank account. Hea, I thought it was on the up and up. I mean, you can trust banks like USB, right? Now I just have to trust that the Swiss will do the right thing and keep it all secret. Nobody told them to 'fess up.

Boy, this feels good. By the way, some of that money in my Swiss bank account I earned as part of a Ponzi scheme. I'm not even sure what that is, but you've probably heard how Bernie Madoff cheated people out of millions, maybe even billions of dollars with a Ponzi scheme. Heck, he's not even in jail. Why? Because he's coming clean and cooperating, according to the judge in his case. I'll just 'fess up like ole Bernie too if it keeps me out of the slammer.

Also, I've got to admit that I've taken performance-enhancing drugs. Hea, it helped me to get promotions and make more money. A-Rod just confessed to doing the same in baseball this past week. I don't see any effort to fire him or dock his pay. Just confess and it's okay. Fine, just add it to my list of sins.

One of those promotions I earned I actually had to buy. Well, I tried to raise some money to buy it anyway, something I didn't reveal till now, but confession is good for the soul and I don't think I really did anything wrong. If Illinois Senator Roland Burris can keep his senatorial seat under similar circumstances, who can deprive me of the position I earned through nefarious connections and weasel-wording.

Man, I'm on a roll now. Let me confess too that I need help on my mortgage. I'm deeply in debt (London is way more expensive than I thought it would be). I bought one of those big, new mansions with an adjustable rate and now I can't afford the payments. I confess I can't refuse money when the banks are practically throwing it at me. But I hear Obama has a plan to help guys like me. Great. Where do I go to tell my story of woe and collect some government dole?

Ah yes, confession is good for the soul. And then some.