Fixture, Tout, Derby . . .

So what do the words in the above subject heading have in common? Until less than a month ago, I would not have known either. Now I know they all have to do with soccer. Er, pardon me, football (English translation).

I always thought they spoke English in England but now I'm finding out they almost have a language of their own. Fixture refers to sporting game dates, touts are ticket brokers or "scalpers", and derby . . . well, I'm still not certain of the meaning there except that I'm taking my sons to the north London derby in less than a month.

Scott had been planning a last bachlor's fling, er, holiday (English translation) with his brother Greg prior to his upcoming marriage in May. Scott considered taking Greg to an English premier league soccer game as Greg has long been a fan of the Arsenal Football club in London and of English premier league football in general, but Scott nixed the idea because of the cost.

When I heard about it, I thought maybe we could make it a father-son bonding adventure as we'd not had one of these in a while. It wasn't an easy decision, however. I don't like to fly and haven't flown in 25 years. The cost of an extended weekend in London is more expensive than you'd think. And as you get older, you find it's easier to say, "No" to such adventures. Maybe just for that last reason, I decided to go for it.

So I have my hotel reservations, plane tickets and a package that includes tickets to see the Arsenal face off against the Tottenham Hotspurs, a game called the north London derby because the clubs' respective stadiums lie about three miles apart in northern London. It is a fierce rivalry, I'm told.

We would be sitting with the home team Tottenham fans, the Spurs, I understand and expected to support them, much to Greg's chagrin. I did post a question in a London on-line forum, asking whether it would be inappropriate under such circumstances to cheer on Arsenal. And what other do's and don'ts might apply to this English premier league match-up.

Good thing. My first response said, "Do not under any circumstances wear anything red or cheer for Arsenal--you'll be at best ejected from the grounds by stewards or worse, well, I'll leave that up to your imagination."

Yes, I can imagine. Got it. No red. And no cheering for Arsenal. A couple others warned me to refrain from using the word "soccer" though they said my seatmates might cut us some slack when they heard our American accent. Accent? What accent?

Yet another warned, "If the home team loses, there will be some angry individuals outside afterwards looking for 'some afters.' Best to just ignore them and move along." Okay, but what does that mean--"some afters." What are they after and how will I know it?

Looks like I need to bone up on my king's English vernacular a bit more before I go. I think I'm on my way. Somebody directed me to the cartoon below. I actually laughed. I got the joke. Pour me a pint of fizzy lager, I'm feeling more English already.