B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!

Musings while shoveling snow in below zero temperatures . . .

Whoever thought that plastic show shovels were a good idea should be forced to shovel my walk with one. They don't chop up crusty snow, they crack and break easily; it's like having a paper umbrella for the rain.

I want Congress to enact a "Truth In Winter" statute. Winter-related songs may not portray the season in a beautiful or romantic manner. For example, the lyrics to Winter Wonderland would be changed from:

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening

In the lane, snow is glistening

A beautiful sight we're happy tonight,

Walking in a winter wonderland

to:

Blizzards scream, are you worried,

In the snow, our car is buried

A dubious sight, we're trembling with fright,

Hoping that our furnace stays alight.

This morning it was seven degrees below zero according to the temperature gauge in my car. That's the air temperature, not including wind chill. This morning we were under a wind chill warning. That's beyond wind chill watch and wind chill advisory. That's hellish cold. Twenty and thirty degrees below zero cold.

I bought a pair of Lands End ski gloves for my wife for Christmas. SKI gloves! From a company that promises on its website that its styles are "scientifically tested to keep you warm, warmer and warmest! Guaranteed. Period." Wearing her new gloves this week to clear off her windshield, she showed me her fingers afterwards. They were bleached white and icy cold to the touch. Lands End will be hearing from me.

What we really need is clothes like the Eskimos wear. How about gloves, boots and socks made with whale blubber? I'm all for saving the whales but self-preservation comes first. You know that people who make their living working outside around here have the right clothes to keep them warm regardless of whether it's politically correct or not. Postal carriers probably have whale blubber underwear, mink-lined gloves, sealskin boots, etc. If PETA only knew.

Now, about this catchphrase "blanket of snow" . . .