Saturday, August 26, 2006

Take Back Pluto!

Who should be outraged? Every baby boomer who had to purchase nine balls of styrafoam for their solar system model. Every budding astronomer who memorized phrases like My Very Excellent Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas. And youngsters and oldsters alike who loved the happy-go-lucky attitude of Pluto the dog.

What were these "astronomers" thinking? Pluto IS a planet, always HAS BEEN a planet and to every elementary student who studied our solar system always WILL BE a planet! This is like re-classifying Elvis as a novelty act.

Astronomers now claim Pluto should be considered a dwarf planet, not a real planet. So are we saying then that dwarf or little people aren't really people? Very un-PC. Mercury is roughly the same size as Pluto. Why not pick on Mercury, which unlike Pluto doesn't even have a moon?

I'll tell you why?

A Power Play by the Religious Right--Pluto was the god of the underworld, hell if you will. What god-fearing Bible thumper wants the god of hell listed officially among the heavenly bodies. Also, Pluto is the name of the dog created by Walt Disney. Remember how members of the religious right tried to boycott Disneyworld because gays and lesbians openly planned a yearly get-together there? The boycott wasn't successful, but now they've found a way to take revenge against Disney. Downgrade Pluto.

Capitalist Conspiracy--So why not downgrade Mercury too? Think of it. There is Ford-Lincoln-Mercury. Mercury outboard engines. Since most scientists depend on public AND private dollars to do their work, they certainly were not going to de-list a planet whose name is an icon of industry.

I say we fight back. Boycott Ford-Lincoln-Mercury! Let's start a petition to re-classify astronomy as a pseudoscience along with astrology and numerology. Astrophysiology is the only TRUE science devoted to the study of our skies anyway.

To rattle the Reverend Falwell camp, let's teach our kids to memorize the phrase My Very Erotic Mistress Just Showed Up Naked when they're studying for their fifth grade test on the planets.

Don't worry Pluto. Help is on the way.


Blogger Deb said...

You're right, Pluto was the Roman god of the underworld who could turn himself invisible.

"My Very Erotic Mistress Just Showed Up Naked"? You're hilarious, Dave!

12:55 PM  
Blogger Kacey said...

Darn! I can't totally agree with you, because I am part of the religious right --- not the same part as the yucky Jerry Falwell, so how about a compromize? "My very exotic mistress just showed up naked, Pluto!" I, too, fear that removing Pluto is the first step in a bigger plot. Perhaps, they are thinking of stealing Saturn's rings to use as giant hula hoops or using Mar's rust to ruin automobiles even faster and sell more of them.
One thing is for sure, your memory trick is a whole bunch more fun than the excellent mother crap!

2:09 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

All the other conspiracy theories should be popping up on the internet any day now.

At least we still have Disney's Pluto. I'll bet they're glad Pluto the planet is gone. They'll probably crank up their PR machine with something like, "Miss Pluto? See him here!"

7:18 AM  
Blogger poopie said...

Well, speaking as a dwarf sized person myself, I can only say this: It's all Bush's fault ;)

8:20 AM  
Anonymous schnoodlepooh said...

I for one, am not letting Pluto go without a fight! Little entities must not be forgotten (or demoted).

7:17 PM  
Blogger LZ Blogger said...

And to think I always thought Pluto was just a PUP! ~ jb///

8:14 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well damn me! I never knew Elvis was a novelty act....

11:17 AM  
Anonymous SPARTAN progeny said...

My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas.

12:45 PM  
Blogger Squirrel said...

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12:46 PM  
Anonymous cassie-b said...

My education just gets more and more obsolete!

8:35 AM  
Anonymous kristy said...

My Very Erotic Mistress? Dude. Righteous!

9:34 PM  
Blogger Lucy Stern said...

Dave, I don't think the religious right had anything to do with this one. But I say, "Once a planet, always a planet."

11:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:48 AM  

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