Bat!

As the oldest of four, I captivated my younger siblings with stories of the supernatural, culled from my late night watching of Theatre of Thrills on local TV. Ghosts, werewolves, vampires . . . all such good stuff. Once, my youngest brother was by himself in our cavernous old house while the rest of the family visited grandma down the street. The kitchen door to the the basement creaked open and a bat swooped in from the darkness below. Pandemonium! My brother fled the house. A neighbor reported, "If I hadn't grabbed him while he was screaming and running by, he would have kept on going." For some ungodly reason, I was blamed by my parents for the panic that had ensued. Moi?

Our cat one day discovered and dispatched three or four bats coming in through the floorboards of our living room. Mother fed the cat its favorite liver feast dinner that night. Good kitty.

In our present house, we were gathered in the family room when we heard the rhythmic flapping of wings in the dim light. Bat! We chased him around the house (okay, he chased us). Then he disappeared upstairs. My younger son and I armed ourselves with tennis rackets and climbed slowly up. At the upstairs landing, we took a deep breath. Nothing. Then the bat suddenly appeared from around a corner, heading straight for us. Scott stepped back into the bathroom and slammed the door behind, leaving his dear father alone to conquer the beast.

My sister and two co-workers were climbing an empty stairwell at a hospital where they worked when they came across the apparent lifeless form of a small bat. It lay face down and still before them. My sister leaned over and blew gently onto its fur. To their horror, the creature lifted its head and bared its fangs. They ran screaming into a hallway, their panicky flight joined by a patient awaiting a test. Poor fellow. Had no idea of the terror he was trying to escape.

Finally, my buddy Bob recounts his more recent enounter with a bat in an e-mail:

"I've been busier than normal around here killing hornets--they scare the hell out of all of us. So I'm checking out the kitchen window and what do I see but a freaking bat hanging upside down there between the screen and the storm window. So I try to think how to dislodge this winged rodent. Hit him with hornet spray--nothing. Garden hose, nothing. So I decide to outsmart it. I grab a bright light and one of those big silver fixtures. I figure he isn't going to like bright light.

I'm right on. But he just moves to the other side of the window. I move the lamp and we dance like this for several hours with a move every 15 minutes. Finally he's on the move and I'm chasing him all over the window with the lamp. I had tried to hide this from the kids but eventually they discovered the bat. Of course, my son, in all his Batman glory is fascinated and wants me to leave the bat alone. But I'm persistent. The bat eventually lifts his leg and pisses all over my window. The kids think this is the funniest thing ever and laugh themselves silly whenever they think about it."