Wednesday, May 21, 2008

TRAUMATIZED! by Doogie


This is Doogie the family dog filling in on behalf of Big Dave who was on a weekend retreat in Ohio with wife Wendy. Their eldest son Greg was charged with taking care of me. What follows now is a tale of terror and horror not for the squeamish. Read on if you wish but you have been warned.

Greg and his girlfriend Lindsay own a Boston Terr(or)ier named Simon. They say he's just a big hyper puppy. No! He's a ferocious brute-- constantly trying to pick a fight with me, shredding my chew toys and stealing my treats if I'm eating too daintily. So he was going to be my weekend companion. That's great, just great. What elderly toy poodle mix wouldn't want a hungry Cujo for a playmate.

At least they brought Cujo's, er, Simon's cage with them. He stayed there during the day while my dogsitters worked. I felt somewhat safer but I'd feel even better if the bars were reinforced with titanium, steel barbs, razor wire or something like that. Luckily for me, Lindsay stopped by in the afternoon to let us outside into the fenced-in backyard.

Maybe somebody should have told Lindsay that we have another occasional resident in our backyard. He's a big bunny who Big Dave and Wendy think was probably born in the ground cover by the patio and feels like home here in our yard with the squirrels, flowers and doves. It's like a Disney movie paradise where all the animals frolic together in harmony.

Unfortunately, Thumper was in the wrong place at the wrong time. So our Disney backyard morphed into an episode of Wild Kingdom. Actually, it was more like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And I a witness? Never was there more a candidate for doggie therapy afterwards.

It gets worse, trust me.

The screen in the patio door is occasionally loose to the point that dogs like myself can ingress and egress without troubling the masters to let us out and in during the summer. So Simon dragged his prize into the front room where Lindsay was watching television. And she didn't even notice! Hel-LO! Where is the supervision here?

Lindsay continued to watch TV with that brute at her feet. She knew that he had something there but figured it was just another of my chew toys. Uh lady, none of my chew toys are of the organic variety. Finally, Simon jumped up on her lap and she sees that he's been feeding on something (remember, I warned you). FINALLY, she looked down at her feet to see the remains of our poor resident rabbit.

That sent her fleeing from the house, taking her killer dog with her. She called for me to come out too. No thanks lady. Back out into the backyard? I don't think so. I've already seen Thumper assassinated. What's your attack dog going to do next--take down Bambi too? I'd just have my little psycho-meltdown inside.

Greg came by later and got rid of the evidence. No matter. I'm willing to testify in a capital case if any authorities are reading this blog. I'll even take a T-Bone or Beggin' Strip as my witness fee.

Next time Big Dave leaves for a weekend I hope he finds me better quarters. Even the Bates Motel would be an improvement.

Unfortunately, the only picture I have of the culprit is many months old. Don’t let the moony-eyed puppy stare fool you. Evil lurks within those eyes. If you see him, don’t take any chances. Get inside, lock the doors and call the police.




26 Comments:

Blogger Kacey said...

Obviously you didn't pass on your love for sweet, little, toy poodles. Your grand-puppy looked vicious even as a puppy. I'm also wondering why this generation of youngins' get dogs together? My one grandson and his girlfriend have a Chihuahua puppy together, but my daughter winds up caring for him a buch of the time. I guess it's better than having babies before wedlock... they don't kill bunnies, but they don't use the doggie door either!

10:23 AM  
Blogger jan said...

That was hilarious.

I've always been certain that inside of every sweet mild looking pet dog there was a wild beast lurking, waiting for the kill. This proves my point.

3:33 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

911: Hello, what's your problem?

Doogie: Woof, woof, woofie, woof, woooof!

911: I understand...do you have a human in the house?

Doogie: Nwoof.

911: Okay, where's the rabbit?

Doogie: Woof, woofff, wooof, woof, WOOF!

911: Just like Fatal Attraction?

Doogie: Ywoof!

911: OK, sir, we'll be right over to replace the pot so Wendy won't freak out.

Doogie: Woof?

911: Oh, yes. Cujo will be punished. He goes on an all-carrot diet tomorrow.

4:19 PM  
Blogger Lynilu said...

Ohhhhhh Noooooooo. That face looks just, just, terrifying!! I'm SO sorry, Doogie, that Big Dave left you with insufficient guardians and their monster animal. Next time he leaves, call me, and I'll bring you here for a spa vacation with us. Hugs for your traumatized little heart!

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Simon said...

That rabbit was running around like he owned the joint.....I just put him in his place.

6:29 PM  
Anonymous K9 Amiga said...

dear wittiest dog i know,

sorry for the trauma. my own adorable beast frequently chases small furry animals, but when he gets close, hes clueless as to what to do next. bless the dumb criminal.

8:19 PM  
Blogger Carine said...

ah the mind of our pooches! I loved this post Dave!
Hope you and Wendy enjoy yourselves even though you know what's going on....

8:26 AM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

KACEY--A baby (human) is absolutely more responsibility than a puppy. We're in no hurry to see grandkids.

JAN--I'm not sure a wild beast lurks within Doogie. That's why that rabbit felt safe in our backyard to begin with.

FRED--Doogie's not a real social animal. He might end up calling 9-1-1 on all the dogs in the neighborhood if he could. BTW, my sister-in-law said she liked your script here.

LYNILU--A spa vacation? Gee, and I've never even had one of those. Dogs do have more fun.

SIMON--Bad dog, bad dog. What you gonna do when they come for you, bad dog, bad dog.

K9--Doogie used to chase the squirrels in the yard. Pretty soon I noticed the squirrels would slow down, letting him catch up, then speed up again. He doesn't even bother chasing them anymore.

CARINE--Thankfully our cell phone didn't have reception where we went. My son did try to call us there too to report what had happened..

6:14 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

Yes, there is definitely evil in those eyes on Cujo er... Simon. There was bad timing on my part in reading this post just before handing all three of our dogs off to a new kennel.

Fortunately, I have known Beth for years and she is reliable. Hopefully mine will behave.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Betty said...

I'm with you, Doogie. I hope that bug-eyed terror is gone by now. For good. And I hope that your recovery is progressing as quickly as can be expected for post traumatic stress.

Doogie, if it's any consolation, my wanna-be Chihuahua (really an unidentified mix) attacked a cardinal this week while I shrieked my brains out- he had pulled his leash right out of my hand to pursue said bird!

I'm in therapy, too.

Hugs,
Betty

6:51 PM  
OpenID justasimplecountrygirl said...

Poor Doogie!

8:09 PM  
Blogger Renee said...

Poor Doogie! But it was a seriously fantastic story!

2:46 PM  
OpenID caroldee said...

LORDIE. I think I would have fainted away seeing all that bloood all over my nice living room! YUCK an EEEWWW.. BAD DOGGIE!!
BAD!!! Poor Dave with no thumper now to keep him entertained! I loves my bunnnies so he is on MY
all points bulletin!!

As for BOB. I think we should call out the MOUNTIES on him.. something is really wrong.. access is so easy to obtain anywhere if he were okay he would let us know!! Praying for him every day..
Have a nice memorial day!! : )

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dave....I'd have to say, THIS is one of your best pieces yet! It was a riot and very well written. Ever think of doing a book about Doogie...kinda like Marley and Me, minus the sadness.
I laughed all the way through this.
As for poor Doogie.....My Duncan and Brie are quite civilized. Next time Dave and Wendy take off, tell them you'd prefer to stay on an island in Florida. Opps....how do you feel about squirrels though? Our yard is loaded with them and they keep Duncan very busy. However, unlike this adorable pup, he never catches them. And you have to admit...this pup IS very cute!
Terri
http://www.islandwriter.net

5:42 AM  
Blogger Merle said...

Dear Lucy ~ Thank you for the birthday wishes, and I did have a lovely weekend, even got 3 more cards
today (Monday) and also 3 neighbors and I went out for lunch which was nice.
Glad you are getting some work done in your yard. The boy who helps you will be glad to get some financial
help for his camp trip. Take care , Love, Merle.

7:04 AM  
Blogger Lucy Stern said...

Dave, even the Enforcer or Grandpa would do a better job of taking care of Doggie! Come on Now!

Poor Doggie had to witness the brutal murder of the baby rabbit. He will be scared for life. Now you will have to take him to a doggie physc!

My daughter bought a bull dog for her husband for Christmas and that dog is as dumb as they come.....You just look at it's face and there is nothing inside. It is a good thing that he is a sweet heart or he would have to be looking for a new home.

Please tell Doggie, that I will be glad to watch him next time "Big Dave" goes out of town.

10:32 AM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

MARIA--Spoiled mutt that he is, Doogie has never been in a kennel. Usually he went to my folks in Bay City.

BETTY--A Chihuahua against a cardinal seems like a pretty fair fight to me.'

DEB--Doogie would prefer a treat to sympathy, but he likes sympathy too.

RENEE--Thanks. And the names weren't changed to protect the innocent either.

CAROLDEE--Simon almost got another rabbit on Sunday while we were playing games in the backyard. This time the rabbit got through the chain link fence while Simon went head first into the steel barrier. Score one for bunny.

TERRI--Wow, first an offer of a spa vacation, then an escape to an island retreat. If only Doogie knew.

MERLE--Wait a minute. It was my birthday! Oh, Oh. I didn't know it was your's too. I'll stop by to offer my wishes.

LUCY--True, and both The Enforcer and grandpa have taken turns watching Doogie. Maybe it's the two-dog thing that tough.

5:25 PM  
Blogger dabrah said...

Both Doogie and Simon look adorable. Poor bunny.

2:35 AM  
Blogger Merle said...

Dear Dave ~~ I knew it was your birthday, but could not open yur
blog to say Happy Birthday. Thanks for your wishes.I apologize for the
message for Lucy, Don't know how that happened. I will send her another one. I do get too tired sometimes
(often) but as I said, I could not open your blog. It must have opened
after all, because I did see the dog
Anyway, we're another year older and deeper in debt. Kind regards, Merle.

5:35 AM  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi again Dave ~~ About the Virtual
cat, there is a little sign under the cat and if you click on that, you should be able to get one on your sidebar, if you want. Bye, Merle.

5:36 AM  
Blogger Nankin said...

Poor Thumper and poor Doogie. I hope he's getting over his trauma without too much trouble. I can't believe Lindsay didn't notice her dog chewing on a dead rabbit at her feet. Yuck!

I have a big orange cat who likes to go hunting in the back yard. Last night he brought me a small lizard. That's better than the baby bird he brought me a couple of weeks ago.

4:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see Doogie is a fellow Washington fan. I like his W jersey.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Dust-bunny said...

Simon is a wolf in adorable-boo-boo-eyed-puppy clothing, that's for sure! He must be mighty fast to catch a rabbit.

Great piece. Watch out for Doogie--his writing skills might pose for some major competition on your blog.

4:36 AM  
Blogger LZ Blogger said...

Nice to meet you "Doogie the family dog"! Tell Big Dave & Wendy to have a WONDERFUL time! ~ jb///

7:21 AM  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi again Dave ~~ Thanks for your comments and I am glad you enjoyed the story about the dog. I liked Jimmy Stewart so would have liked to
have heard him talk about the loss of his dog. Take care, Regards, Merle.

7:28 AM  
Blogger Big Dave T said...

DABRAH--Thanks, they're both cute in their own ways.

MERLE--Our goal this year is to pay off the house. So maybe some day . . .

NANKIN--There's too many lizards down your way anyway. Too many snakes too.

ANONYMOUS--Washington?! You must be new here. Think "Go Blue!."

DUST-BUNNY--How've you been. Long time no see, er hear. Yes, Doogie is a good writer but I translate, so give me some credit too.

LAZY BLOGGER--We did have a nice time with the Amish. I'd like to go back when the colors are out in the fall.

5:39 PM  

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