Move Over, Alexander

      I occasionally take a turn as volunteer guest reader for a local school’s kindergarten class.  Since I get the opportunity to select the book, this week I chose Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.  Maybe it was the title the piqued my interest. 

       Why?

       Because I’ve had my share of bad days lately.  The worst one came this past Saturday when my Dell computer became stuck in “automatic repair” mode.  It wasn’t anything I did to cause this (though it could have been one of my grandchildren who came over and watched videos on it).  But when the “automatic repairs” ended, my Dell computer screen flashed that the repairs could not be done.  I could only push the button to re-start the computer which would begin the same repair sequence all over again.

       It was a very bad day.

      So I previewed Alexander’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day to become familiar with it before I had to read it to my kindergartners.

     And I didn’t think his day was that bad.  He got gum in his hair, he couldn’t find a toy in his cereal, he felt crowded in his car pool ride to school, his teacher didn’t like his artwork featuring an invisible castle or that he left out the number 16 when counting to 20, and at lunchtime he discovered that his mother had forgotten to put a dessert into his lunch when he sadly had to watch his friend eat two cupcakes.  Then after school he had to go to the dentist.

       Ya know, Alexander?  Cry me a river.

       When my Dell computer crashed, I lost everything I had put on it for the last three years.  Can you imagine, Alexander, what your teacher would say if you told her that ALL your semester’s homework had been eaten by the dog?  Last semester’s too?  And going back three years?  Not to mention how you would feel if you lost all your favorite photos, your creative writing, and programs that you had paid many, many dollars for.

      And let me tell you about those desserts, Alexander.  When you’re my age and are on a restricted diet per doctors’ orders to try to lose weight, those two cupcakes would be almost all you could have for the whole day--breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack.  How would you feel if your doctor told you that you could never EVER have BOTH ice cream and cake on the same plate, because that would be too many calories for one day?  But even on your most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, you burn way more calories than I do and you don’t have to worry about sugar-free diets.

       And dentists, yes Alexander, they can be tough.  But I have my yearly physical coming up in about a week.  I don’t think that’s going to be a good day either.  Without revealing anything your father should discuss with you later, Alexander, let me just say that the doctor will be checking places on me that you could only imagine in your worst nightmares.  Ask your dad.  And it’s probably as bad or worse for your mom.

        So the teacher gave you a little reprimand for missing the number 16 when counting.  I forgot to check a box on the tax form I prepared this year.  I would have LOVED getting just a little reprimand.  Instead I had to spend hours on the internet and phone trying to find out why I was not getting my refund.  Then the Internal Revenue Service told me I had to re-do the whole form when the mistake was so obvious your teacher would have simply corrected it, perhaps without a reprimand at all.   And now I have to wait four months to get the refund of my taxes.

      What if your teacher, Alexander, had told you to count the numbers out loud to 20, all over again, first without the 16, then with the 16 number included.  And then she said you had to wait four months to find out if you passed the first grade.  That would mean sometime in August.

     Man, this book really has me fired up.  Alexander should really understand his problems in a proper perspective.  There’s going to be some lively discussion after reading time in kindergarten tomorrow.